


Prince Rupert's Drop

by crazy_voveriukas



Series: Healing [3]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Anxiety, Beginnings, Comfort, Depression, F/M, Friendship, Mass Effect 2, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-12 12:37:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13547472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazy_voveriukas/pseuds/crazy_voveriukas
Summary: Shepard doesn't like her mind much, but maybe there's comfort in the panic?





	1. Through the Glass

**Author's Note:**

> Prince Rupert's Drops (also known as Dutch or Batavian tears) are toughened glass beads created by dripping molten glass into cold water, which causes it to solidify into a tadpole-shaped droplet with a long, thin tail. The bulbous part of the drop can withstand blows from a hammer, but even the slightest damage to the tail makes it explode into thousands of pieces.

She was spiralling. Her thoughts were thick as honey and she found herself falling into a dark abyss - agonising and slow. She tried to grab onto something, desperate, pleading, but her arms were full of lead and the only thing around was empty space. Dread filled her body and her heart threatened to escape her chest, all her nerve endings were firing as if on high alert… 

The glass she was holding broke in her hand - she looked down. She poured herself some whiskey what felt like forever ago. Shepard’s mind was her prison. And she was sitting all alone in her head and however dark it seemed - it was the most comforting place. A deep sigh escaped her.

The love affair with death left Shepard in a precarious position - she was deadly as ever out on the field, yet emotionally she felt like she could break at any point. Her skills were sharp, but her body was still playing catch-up. Shepard stood up from the table and grunted in pain. Miranda told her she was woken up too early and repairs were still in progress. She took a few pills and limped towards the fish tank.

She almost broke that night a few weeks back, talking with Garrus. She showed her hand, her weakness, well, a very small part of it. She HAD died, and not one person should be able to just say “Hey, look at me, I died 2 years ago, and I’m back! Good old me!”. She knew she was herself, and yet… She lost so much, and it wasn’t only time… She didn’t know what happened to her friends. She saw Tali briefly, Dr Chakwas was here, Joker, Garrus… But he was different too, haunted, hurt, and she couldn’t help but feel responsible for the pain he had to endure… She lo...cared for him, but how could she ask anything of him if all she brought was anguish? She knew what it meant to lose your whole squad and come out the other end the sole survivor. If it wasn’t for her, there would not have been Omega and there would not have been betrayal and death. She clenched her fists in anger - she wasn’t there for him… And what could she offer now anyway? She was only a crack in this castle of glass.... A sense of guilt filled her - she was brought back to life, she should be thankful for another opportunity, but why did it feel so heavy? Her breathing quickened, threatening another attack, so she placed her forehead to the cool glass, trying to compose herself, her nails digging into the palms.

Shepard needed work, something to distract her… Horizon was 2 days away and no stops were planned in between. She checked her messages - nothing. The ship suddenly felt very small and confined. Tea… Tea will help. Before she could gather herself into some semblance of a functioning human being, EDIs voice broke the concentration, “Garrus Vakarian is here to see you, should I open the door?” That... that was unexpected, and part of her wanted to turn him away, tell him to leave, tell him that being near her will just cause pain… The broken woman inside was screaming, but the Commander knew better. She stood up straight. “Let him in, EDI”. The cabin door hissed open. “Garrus, how can I help you?” He was looking at her from the other side, seemingly unsure of what he was doing here. “So, what’s it going to be?” she asked and offered him one of her signature coy smiles. Garrus stepped in and the door closed behind him. 

It was strange seeing him here, in her private space. She’d often go and check up on him, though lately he didn’t seem very eager to talk. Shepard noticed him scanning the environment when his attention stopped on the broken glass and spilled alcohol. He turned to look at her. “Shepard…” he said softly, concern colouring his voice. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it” she tried to brush off this inquiry into her state of mind. “What brings you here?” she deflected.  
“You haven’t left your cabin for more than a day… You missed your usual rounds, so I thought I’d check in. How are you?” She felt the soft tone in his voice and the genuine care it represented. But the revelation also shocked her - more than a day? She lost track of time completely, and it scared her. Garrus seemed to sense her unease. How was he so good at reading her? The turian took one step forward and closed the gap between them. She was fighting a war of her own, a war her messy mind started with itself. She was Commander Shepard, she didn’t break, she remained strong, and even if Garrus was her closest friend, she was still his commanding officer. She was brought back by a warm hand on her shoulder. She looked up and a pair of deep blue eyes, accentuated by the illumination of the fish tank, were scanning her intensely. All he said then was “I got you”, and Shepard felt herself shatter into a thousand pieces, all in the caring embrace of a turian who knew her better than she did...


	2. Sharp Edges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even if Garrus is torn apart by conflict, he is willing to be there for Shepard.

Garrus was pacing. It was unlike Shepard to miss her rounds. He could ask EDI to report on the Commander but he didn’t trust the AI yet and he didn’t want to give Cerberus more information than they needed. Garrus couldn’t admit to himself that, even though they haven’t talked much recently, he felt calmer when she visited. 

He kept busy most of the time, often blind to his Commander’s attempts to have him open up (he had to be sure the guns are calibrated properly because they will need them and it will keep her...them safe). And if he wasn’t working, he was consumed - consumed by grief and anger and guilt. He put his team together, they were family, and to have someone betray them like that? Sidonis will not walk out of this alive. Though Garrus was still considering whether to grant him a merciful bullet-to-the-head death or make him suffer. Suffer the way he has been suffering, everyone’s names etched into his visor like a permanent reminder that he failed to protect his family. And failed to protect Shepard 2 years ago... 

Even though she was miraculously brought back to life, no one else will be. No one else’s families are going to see them again. A small part of him questioned the fairness of the situation - why did his crew deserve any less? They didn’t, yet they weren’t on anyone’s list to stop the Reaper threat, and, of course, there would be substantially more casualties if they fail. The conflict gnawed at Garrus, like a blade trying to find its way towards his heart and take away everything that’s good. He couldn’t relax until he got his revenge, unfortunately the leads were still sparse. Calibrations kept him in check and allowed a temporary escape from his head and push away survivor's guilt. 

Regardless of how he felt and what he was ready to share with Shepard, Garrus was thankful someone cared, that She cared. The first nights on Omega were the hardest. He was alone, hell-bent on proving something to himself, to his father, to this cruel universe he was forced to live in. The loneliness he felt was suffocating… Except now he wasn’t alone, and the woman he dreamed about every night was there. Alive. 

Garrus made his way to the elevator, trying to convince himself that Shepard was fine, so he walked slowly even if all his muscles were screaming at him to run. The hope he felt after their last conversation was lost somewhere between the recruitment missions, shut out by the dull pain pain of betrayal. He knew that the good experiences will not be negated by the bad, but living in your head can make things complicated. He was used to keeping things, especially feelings, to himself, just stacking up problems as they come in order to deal with them later, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t be there for her if she let him. 

Garrus stopped in front of the cabin door. Should he knock? The door opened suddenly and he saw Shepard, no, the Commander, standing in front of her fish tank (a ridiculous thing to have on a warship, in his opinion at least). He felt himself stiffen until Shepard brought him back. “So, what’s it going to be?” - she asked, her usual coy smile brightening her face. 

Garrus entered the cabin. A smell of alcohol brought his attention to the broken glass and he knew... Shepard’s surprise that she hadn’t left the room in more than a day only proved to him that she was spiralling out of control and needed to find some solid ground fast. Next thing he knew he was moving towards Shepard and now… Now she was crying in his arms. He was out of his depth here and didn’t know what to do. If it was a turian commander showing such emotion, they’d be swiftly replaced as they’d lose the respect of their subordinates. But this… This wasn’t their dynamic. It wasn’t about superiority or command, this was about two people, two people who cared too much and allowed themselves too little. Garrus knew Shepard would never show such vulnerability to anyone else, and having her so close awakened all the feelings he was trying to bury all these years, be it in casual flings or by shooting mercs, and they were threatening to resurface as a flood he wouldn’t be able to control anymore. But this moment wasn’t about his feelings, it was about her, so Garrus hugged Shepard tighter, letting her relax in his arms completely. Whatever the future held for them, he’s got her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In order to write better, you have to write. So I have decided to write and publish as much as I can, whatever it might be. I might add more to this part of the story later if I find a way to explore the emotional side of things.


End file.
